Lit Up

By Rita H. Chen

He was not afraid of commitment though he was sure people have thought otherwise.  Here he was: 40, with his girlfriend of 5 years – if one didn’t take into account the break-ups they had gone through – and no intentions of marriage.  His younger brother was already married and father to a noisy and much-too-rambunctious 5 year-old.  But here was Danny: Childless, with a girlfriend that he broke up with on an annual basis.  Five break-ups already and had she not finally put her foot down and given him an ultimatum, he was pretty sure he would have initiated a sixth.

“If we break up one more time it will be the last,” she had said.  “I just can’t do this anymore.”

Since then, their relationship had progressed smoothly with none of the turmoil that had plagued them in the past.  He was no longer uncertain and she was now confident.

It was funny how easy things became when she put her foot down.

Granted, being certain now didn’t equate to being completely satisfied.  She wasn’t pretty – wasn’t even pushing on cute – and he often wondered why he hadn’t found someone more attractive already.  Or, find someone who at least dressed like a girl.  But here he was with Melissa: a tiny Chinese girl with slightly crooked teeth, who was so painfully thin it often seemed like she was physically trying to weigh herself down with the big, shapeless sweatshirts and straight-leg blue jeans she wore daily.

“Now, I know she isn’t a raging beauty but there’s something about her,” was how he had first told his friends about her at one of their monthly dinners.

A few days later, when his friends finally met Melissa, they had all smiled politely and refrained from comment – save for one friend who told him later, “I think she’s really cute, Danny!”  But that friend was first, supremely kind-hearted; and second, a woman, so her opinion on his girlfriend didn’t really count.

“You found her.  You found ‘the one’,” another one of his friend’s, male this time, said after his second meeting with Melissa.

Danny had chuckled dryly upon hearing that.  “And what makes you say that?” he asked, genuinely curious but unable to keep his voice from sounding sardonic.

“It’s all in your face, man.  The minute you see her, your face lights up.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah, you smile for her.”

That little exchange was just convincing enough to make him wonder.

What did he like about Melissa?  He wasn’t even sure himself.  She was stoic and quiet – a scientist by profession and a wallflower by nature – but still oddly obtrusive.  Well, perhaps that description was a little extreme.  It was just that even when they weren’t saying a word to each other, Danny could still feel her presence – not acute, not overbearing, just a constant pulsing beat that moved in and out of his sense range.

There was only one thing that could get her to speak without reserve and that was when she talked about her passion – not Danny, but an all-female Japanese performance group called Takurazuka Revue.  Tall, thin women with short hair and thick make-up courted their slightly shorter, equally slim women in stories that ranged from historical to just plain campy.  Danny had found himself forced into watching a DVD of the show on more than one occasion and found them so gender-bending that he would have called Melissa’s sexuality into question had he not already been sleeping with her on a regular basis.

“I don’t see what the appeal of these shows is,” he had said to Melissa once night, a painful 2 hours after they had finished watching the latest purchase she had paid a pretty penny to ship from Japan. “The dancing is mediocre, the singing is high-pitched, and the acting is over-exaggerated.  Plus, you don’t even speak Japanese so it’s not like you know what they’re saying without subtitles, anyway.  Just what is it that makes you go so crazy for this-” he was about to say ‘shit’ but one look at the way her lips thinned and he caught himself in time, “-type of entertainment?”

With a glare that was oddly piercing despite the thick glasses that she wore, Melissa’s lips un-thinned long enough to reply with, “I find the gallantry of the men in the show hot.”  She then pushed herself off of the slightly ratty navy blue couch abruptly and walked away from him.

Staring at her back as she practically stomped down the short hallway of his tiny bachelor apartment, Danny felt somewhat conflicted.  Should he be feeling offended by her obvious jab at him?  Or, should he be confused that he had just been compared to a cross-dressing woman?  He almost felt tempted to pursue the question further but, as he heard her slam the bathroom door shut, he decided that it would be wise to just shut up.

Their relationship was full of moments like that, with many thoughts left unsaid and many discussions avoided.  For the most part, Danny preferred their lack of need for a conversation.  He felt that whole ‘let’s talk about our feelings’ thing was for hippies and he figured if Melissa was angry about something, she would let him know…in her own little passive-aggressive way.

One such time when he felt it would be good to find out what the hell his girlfriend was thinking was when he realized she was spending more time in his apartment than usual.

At first, he decided to just take it easy and figure out the situation as it unfolded.  However, after a good two weeks of cringing as he was forced to dry himself off with a bath towel that was always damp because she would shower before him, he finally asked the question that had been weighing on his mind for the last two weeks.

“Have you gone home at all?”

She turned her attention from the television screen to him, her eyes sharp and inquisitive as she appeared to study him from her side of the couch.  A beat of silence passed before she replied with a simple, “No.”

Danny’s brow furrowed unconsciously as their gazes held and locked.  In the background, he could vaguely hear the announcer of the game show welcome everyone back from the commercial break but he felt that if he was to look away from Melissa, he would have conceded something to her in some way.

She merely watched him, her face carefully blank.

After a full minute of mutual staring, Danny finally blinked.  “Okay.”  Now it was his turn to pause and consider his next words.  “I guess we better buy you a towel then.”

Satisfied with how he had handled the situation, he turned back to the television screen to catch the end of the show.

When he felt her hand wrap around his and squeeze, his face lit up in a smile.

END

Rita’s Musings: This character study first came to life in 2006 when my then-boyfriend told our mutual friend that he had found ‘The One’, explaining to that particular friend that his face “lights up” when he sees his then-girlfriend, now-wife.

However, for the 6 years that followed the beginning of this character study in 2006, this story sat in my USB drive unfinished until I decided to polish it off and finish it today.  You may notice some differences in my style of writing because of that.