Crying for the Moon

By Rita H. Chen

You think Sunhee is like the sun.

She’s a ball of energy, rambunctious with a huge smile that takes up half her face when she is particularly happy.  Her dyed blond hair is as bright as her personality and she’s always doing her best to show people warmth and good will, her spontaneous hugs an example in the most literal sense.  She is curious, wants to be involved with everything, and sometimes her chattiness borders on annoying but you know she means well so you try to be patient with her.

You think Vivian is like the moon.

She is quiet – not lacking in confidence but naturally silent, well-aware that her natural charisma will draw people to her like bees to honey.  Her dark-brown eyes are gentle, her smile is soft, and there’s a peaceful, watchful aura to her.  Sometimes you find yourself frustrated with her as you have a feeling that she’s never fully speaking her mind, but you try to be understanding of her situation.  As the only Chinese member in an 8-member Korean pop girl group, you know that it is still a struggle for Vivian to properly express herself in your language.

And you?  What would you be?

Well, you never were into astrology so your knowledge doesn’t extend much further than “moon”, “sun”, and “star”, but if you really wanted to go on with your little analogy, you think you would be the earth.  Beautiful but unpredictable, peaceful but explosive, you are the magnetic force that causes the sun and moon to orbit around you.  That’s why it was only natural for you to wonder, after you had heard of the formation of the 4-person subgroup aimed towards the Chinese market, what would happen in China when the sun has nothing to shine on and the moon has nothing to absorb.

“Call me when you’re China,” you say in a tone that is less of a request and more of a demand.  You are sitting on the bed, swinging your legs back and forth as you watch Vivian haphazardly pull clothes out of the cabinet drawers in her room.  You want to tell her to slow down but it’s close to one in the morning and you know she has an early morning flight to China.

“I will,” Vivian replies, hands flying as she scrambles to fit everything into her open suitcase.  She sounds distracted and that displeases you so you add with a little more force, “Everyday.”

“What?”

Now you know she’s distracted.  “Call me everyday,” you repeat and you lightly pinch her arm for emphasis when she passes by you on her way to her closet.

She barely flinches from your physical reminder.  “You sound like Sunhee,” she says as she begins to take clothes off of hangers.

That causes your legs to still mid-swing.  While you know Sunhee and Vivian are close, you hadn’t realized Sunhee demands Vivian call her all the time too.  For some reason, the thought annoys you.  You want to say something witty in response but nothing sounds right in your head.  After a barely noticeable beat, you finally settle on, “I’m more important than Sunhee.”  Vivian snorts in a rather un-ladylike fashion but you’re glad that she doesn’t protest your words.

 

 

You like the moon better than the sun.  You’re sure most people would say otherwise but you’ve always been more of a night owl anyway so you find the moon a welcome companion on those nights when you want to quietly pass the time with a mug of hot corn tea.  You sometimes find the sun too bright, too glaring, in its brilliance that it sometimes hurts your eyes and causes a throbbing pain to build up in your head.

That’s why you’re irritated beyond human belief at how chipper Sunhee is at 5:30 in the morning.

“Jihye-unni, good morning!  I can’t believe you’re awake!  Did you get up just to say goodbye to us?” Sunhee greets you when you open the door to her loud knock, a big smile on her face.

“What are you doing here?” you say in reply, glad that your voice does not betray how displeased you are by her innocent remark.  You sometimes don’t like Sunhee’s need to question everything – it’s embarrassing when you have to verbalize the motives for your actions; and you wish she was more like Vivian who smiled sweetly and merely said, “Jihye…thank you,” when she came out of her room and found you there to greet her this morning.

“Well, we’re leaving for China today,” Sunhee says as she slips past you and toes off her shoes, effectively inviting herself in.

“Well, I think that I know that, Sunhee,” you say as you close the door behind her.  You can hear the running water from the bathroom stop, an indicator that Vivian is about ready to go.  “I mean, why are YOU here right now?  Why aren’t you waiting in the van downstairs with the others?” You know Vivian is the last to be picked up out of the group.

“Oh that.” Sunhee’s smile doesn’t falter.  “I just wanted to help Vivian-unni with her luggage.”

What a brown noser, you automatically think.  You don’t know why you’re feeling so bothered right now, and you get the irrational thought that perhaps it’s a carry-over from your displeasure with Sunhee last night before you firmly banish that notion from your mind.  “What? It’s not because you wanted to say good bye to me?  Ungrateful little brat,” you say instead, putting the right amount of indignance in your voice so that it passes off as a joke.

Sunhee laughs and automatically puts her arms around you, squeezing you tight.  “Of course that’s part of the reason too.  I’ll miss you, Jihye-unni,” she says sincerely and while you feel your annoyance ebb a little, it doesn’t stop the feeling that she’s intruding in some way.

 

 

“I miss you, Jihye,” Vivian says over the phone a week after she arrives in China, and you feel your heart swell.

“Then why didn’t you call sooner?” you retort but there’s no heat in your words.  You’re too happy to hear Vivian’s voice to get seriously angry.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been so busy with practice.  You know how it is.”

Indeed you do.  That’s one of the reasons why you don’t mind having minimal singing and dancing parts, it’s just that much more work when you’re actually good. “How long will everyone be in the dorms for?” you ask.

“Just another two weeks and then it’s the variety show circuit.”

You open your mouth to ask a question about the schedule but are cut off suddenly by a female voice in the background sing-songing something loudly in Mandarin.  Vivian lets out what sounds like a squeak before you hear a clatter and the phone is quiet save for random scuffling noises.

You blink, dumbfounded, for a few seconds before you say a tentative, “Hello?” into the mouthpiece.  Most of what you heard was gibberish to you but you do think that you might have heard Vivian’s Chinese name, Xin-Ting, being spoken.  Was that person who was speaking Sunhee? you wonder before there’s a return of noise and the same voice comes on, “Jihye-unni!”

This time you are absolutely sure who the owner of the voice is and your fingers twitch a little. “Sunhee.”

“How are you?  How is everyone back home?  What have you been up to?”

“I’m fine.  We’re fine,” you reply and you find yourself unable to elaborate more as you can’t completely wrap your mind around what had just happened.  While you know that Sunhee had been studying Mandarin in preparation of the subgroup’s debut in the Chinese market, you can’t help but wonder when she got so good at the language and why the idea of her now being able to understand Vivian’s native tongue makes you feel so left out.

Luckily, Sunhee  doesn’t notice your lack of enthusiasm as she begins talking about Shanghai, the dorms, the other members, the schedule, and even meeting Vivian’s family.  You admit it’s interesting to learn about the others and you especially like Sunhee’s description of Vivian’s family, but you don’t want to hear these stories from Sunhee.  You want to hear them from Vivian.  You try to keep your answers fairly polite (after all, Sunhee always has good intentions) but clipped in an effort to encourage her to finish talking more quickly.  However, much to your chagrin and growing annoyance, she doesn’t seem to catch on.  Instead, she seems satisfied with your short answers and a good 10 minutes pass before she finally finishes with, “Well, that’s basically what’s been happening here…  Do you want to talk to Vivian again?”

“Yes,” you nearly exclaim in your impatience and Sunhee laughs.

“Okay, hold on a second.”

You hear Sunhee talking to Vivian in the background, their voices muffled so you can’t make out the exact conversation, before Sunhee comes back on the line, “Vivian says she’s got nothing to say now because I’ve said it all.  She wants to know if you still want to talk to her?”

What kind of question is that? you think to yourself and say out-loud, “Tell her ‘yes’ and I’ll get really mad at her if she doesn’t come talk to me right now.  That idiot.”

Sunhee laughs again and transmits your message to Vivian.  You hear Vivian’s chuckle and you make a mental note to work on the effectiveness of your threats.  They’re obviously wearing off on her.  Then the voice of the woman in question filters through the earpiece.  “Jihye,” she says.

“Took you long enough.”

“Not my fault Sunhee talks a lot.”

You hear Sunhee protest in the background and you laugh with Vivian.  You are finally in a better mood. “Tell me about it.  So, hey, Vivian, what’s happening with–”

“Hold on a second, Jihye,” she cuts you off abruptly before talking to someone – someone new and not Sunhee – in Mandarin in the background.  Then she comes back.  “Jihye, I have to go.  Management needs me to confirm the schedule for next week.  I’ll call you later, okay?”

You can’t help but feel disappointed and that causes you to grow even more annoyed.  “What is this?” you can’t help but complain.  “We barely got to talk at all!”

“Jihye,” Vivian says – states, really – in a tone that you don’t recognize, a tone that is firm and unrelenting, and you are startled enough to know to back down.

“Fine.  That’s fine,” you say, a touch of contriteness in your tone.  “Talk to you tomorrow then?”

“Sure, tomorrow,” she agrees but her voice, while it’s become something you can recognize again, is a little hurried so you’re not sure if she’s being sincere or just trying to get rid of you.  “Bye, Jihye.”

“Jesus loves you and so do we, Jihye-unni!” you hear Sunhee call out in the background before the line goes dead.

You frown; and it takes all your willpower not to chuck things at pictures of Sunhee for the rest of the night.

 

 

You blame Sunhee for the missed opportunity to talk to Vivian properly and find yourself harbouring a bit of a grudge towards her until Vivian surprisingly comes through with her promise and calls you again the next day.  She sputters protests when you tease her and you find, to your pleasure, that she is just as docile and soft-spoken as she was in Korea.

Vivian goes on to call you every day for the next five days.  She’s always with Sunhee save for two days when Sunhee is out with Yuna and Bobae, the other two members of the subgroup.  However, you don’t mind Sunhee’s presence.  You no longer begrudge her for dominating the attention of someone you consider your best friend and, as Sunhee and Vivian pass the phone between them while they take turns to talk to you, you are satisfied that your sun and moon are orbiting around you as always.  The conversations aren’t long but you don’t mind because, despite the act that you put on for hosts on variety shows, you are actually not that much of a talker – a fact unknown fact to everyone but Vivian.

Sunhee does most of the talking for the two of them because even with Vivian’s many years in the country, her Korean is still riddled with gaps and mistakes.  You aren’t irritated by this.  Sunhee is usually entertaining, except when she’s trying to convert you to Christianity, and you know Vivian prefers it this way too because it’s less thinking for her.

The calls are so frequent and the voices so familiar that you can almost trick yourself into believing that they aren’t miles away from you until you hear Vivian speak Mandarin.  Unlike Sunhee who once said that she liked the lyrical flow of Vivian’s Mandarin, you prefer Vivian’s awkward Korean.  When Vivian speaks Korean you feel special because you are the only one who can understand her perfectly.  When she speaks Mandarin you feel displaced because you are now the one who cannot understand her.

The subgroup’s variety show circuit throughout China and the neighbouring countries is scheduled for 4 weeks and you get to watch the first of the shows they taped during the 2^nd week of their circuit.  Due to their hectic filming schedule, you hadn’t spoken to Vivian during that time and the video that you find online is the first time you hear her voice in a while.

The video you watch is from a show called “The True Story.”  You have no idea how close the Korean subtitles are from the actual words exchanged, but it doesn’t really matter as you are more engrossed in staring at the images moving around on your computer screen.  Mostly everyone acts the way you expect them to except for Vivian.  As you stare at your friend who now speaks confidently and powerfully to the hosts and to the camera, you wonder what happened to the woman you knew in Korea and who this distorted version of Vivian is.

You try to watch a few more shows but each show rubs you the wrong way as Sunhee and Vivian become visibly closer.  More importantly, you watch in something akin to disbelief as Vivian jokes, bullies, cajoles, and so thoroughly dominates the stage and the younger members that she reminds you of, well, you on stage.

You spend a lot of time thinking about the reason for Vivian’s change in personality and after a few days you think you understand.  She’s the leader of the subgroup so of course she would have to be strong, dominating, and powerful in all the shows.  That is what Meejung does as leader of your group in Korea so it is only what is to be expected of Vivian.  You’re sure that Vivian will go back to her old ways once she’s back in Korea.

 

 

You have been looking forward to this day, you won’t lie.   The main group in Korea and the subgroup in China were reconvening in Thailand to do a one-week photoshoot and it would be the first time in close to two months when you would be able to see Vivian face-to-face again.

“Hey,” you say as you watch the members of the subgroup trudge into the fancy lobby of the hotel you are staying at.  You stand up from the couch you are lounging on and smirk with your hands resting comfortably just below your hips. “Took you guys long enough.”

You revel in the collected calls of greeting and the hugs that come from the members of the group but it is Vivian’s “Jihye,” and warm hand on your arm that really makes you laugh.

Vivian lets go of your arm long enough to take the key cards from your group manager.  After a purposeful calling of people’s names to get their attention, she then says, “There are two double rooms.  Sunhee, you’ll share with me.  Bobae and Yuna, you two will share the other.” She hands Yuna, the older of the two younger girls and the group’s best dancer, a key card which Yuna takes without argument.  “Dinner is scheduled with the rest of the group at 6pm and it’s,” she checks her watch quickly, “almost 4 now so you’ve got about 2 hours to rest.  Meet down here in the lobby at 5:50, okay?”

There are various nods and sounds of assent from the group, and you can’t believe how quickly Vivian took control of both the group and situation.  Even Meejung is not that domineering, usually letting people choose who they want to room with.  However, what really surprises you is when Vivian turns and says to you, “Jihye, I’ll-” Sunhee bats Vivian’s forearm and points to herself with a frown; and Vivian corrects herself, “-sorry.  We’ll,” Sunhee now smiles widely like she’s accomplished something great, “just drop off our luggage and be right down.  It shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes so just wait here.”

You stare.  You’ve never had Vivian speak to you in such a commanding tone – like you’re one of the younger members – and you don’t like it.  “No,” you say, your mouth unconsciously curling downwards at the corners, “I don’t want to wait here.  I’ll go up with you guys.”

Now it’s Vivian’s turn to stare.  “Jihye, it’ll only be a few minutes.”

“I don’t care.”

“Jihye…” and you hear a hint of that voice from the first time you talked to her over the phone.

You glare.

Vivian’s mouth opens and closes before she lets out an exasperated, “God, you’re so stubborn.  Fine, if that’s what you want.”

“That’s what I want,” you say and you feel victorious knowing that you’ve won your battle with Vivian.  Then you realize that this is the first time that you’ve ever had to battle Vivian for anything.

Vivian and Sunhee’s room is on the 8^th floor, 2 floors above the room that you are staying in.  You had really wanted to share a room with Vivian but the subgroup was arriving a day after your group and you had ended up being paired with Taeyeon, your group’s lead singer.

Maybe you can get Sunhee to switch with you, you muse to yourself as you enter the room behind the pair, before banishing such a thought from your mind.  You know Taeyeon is easygoing but even she might feel offended if you were to suddenly leave her to be with Vivian.  However, as you watch Sunhee and Vivian chat cheerily in Mandarin, you find yourself saying loudly in what you hope is a casual tone, “Sunhee-ah, want to switch rooms with me?”

Sunhee turns to look at you, obviously not expecting your words, and you watch the emotions that flutter across her face – first, surprise; then confusion; and finally, awkwardness.   In Korean culture, it’s often not acceptable for a younger person to deny the request of an older person.  Being older than her, you know that you’ve put Sunhee in a difficult position. Yet, at the same time, you think – hope, at least – that there shouldn’t be any reason for her to say ‘No,’ to your request.  Before she can say anything though, Vivian comes to her rescue.

“Why?” She keeps her eyes trained on you even as she sets her suitcase down next to the bed closest to the window.  She doesn’t sound angry or annoyed, just curious.

You’re taken aback that Vivian would even ask.  The Vivian you knew would have kept out of any situations that didn’t involve her.  “Because your Korean is starting to suck and you need to be around me to practice your speaking,” you say and you know the answer makes very little sense but it’s honestly the first response that comes to your head.

Luckily, Vivian doesn’t mind your faulty logic.  “That’s the stupidest reason ever,” she says with a laugh.  “Sunhee, ignore her.  She’s just acting this way because she’s jealous.  She missed me too much and can’t bear to let me out of her sight now.”  She grins to let you know she’s joking.

“You’re sick.  What makes you think I missed you at all?” you automatically retort, making Vivian laugh again.  It’s not what you want to say but you can’t bring yourself to voice the words that are trapped in your chest.  The words that say, ‘It’s not a stupid reason because you’ve been acting really strange.  I don’t recognize the person you’ve become and it scares me.  I need to spend more time with you to find out how much you’ve changed.  You’re not acting like the roommate and the best friend that I thought I knew.’

You think Sunhee gives you an apologetic look but you’re not too sure.

 

 

The next day, you, Sunhee, and Vivian are split into separate groups for the morning.  When you finally reconvene at a bridge for a group photoshoot in the afternoon, you notice that Sunhee spends most of her time talking to Yuna while Vivian is fluttering from person to person, laughing frequently and engaging people in what looks like lively conversations.

Since when did she become such a social butterfly? you wonder.  She used to only be comfortable around you.  Again you ponder this creature that looks and sounds like Vivian but certainly doesn’t act like the Vivian you used to know.

“What are you thinking about, Jihye-unni?” Sunhee asks as she suddenly appears at your elbow.

“What we’re having for dinner,” you say absently, your eyes still on the Chinese woman that is currently puzzling you.

Sunhee is silent as she follows your gaze.  “Is it about someone in the group?” she asks after a few seconds.

“What are you talking about?”

Sunhee heaves a sigh and puts a hand on your shoulder.  “Jihye-unni, I know what’s going on.  You can tell me what you’re thinking.”

You shrug off the hand.  “Sunhee, I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Jihye, you shouldn’t hold your feelings in.  Let it out.  You’ll feel better afterwards, I swear.”

“Sunhee, I really don’t know what you’re talking about and I really don’t want to talk to anyone just now so if you could just leave me alone for a few minutes…” You begin edging backwards but stop when Sunhee says, “Jihye-unni, I know you’re thinking about Vivian-unni.”

You don’t know what to say right away.  After a few seconds you say, “What are you talking about?” and the words sound harsh even to your ears.

If Sunhee is bothered by your attitude, she doesn’t show it.  Instead she says, “Jihye-unni, I’m not blind.  I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at her all of yesterday and today and-”

“How have I been looking at her?” you interrupt.

“It depends.  Sometimes you look at her with an angry expression, sometimes with a fond one, sometimes with a lonely one, but mostly you look at her like she’s grown horns on her head.”  She smiles a little at her small joke.

Sunhee is so dead-on about what she’s seen that you can’t find it in you to mirror her smile.  You decide there’s no point in being stubborn anymore.  “She’s changed,” you finally allow.

“Vivian?  No, she hasn’t.”

Now you stare at Sunhee like she’s grown horns on her head.  “Are you kidding me?  Don’t you see it?  She’s completely different than how she used to be!”  You gesture to the side where Vivian is now chatting with your group manager (of all people!) and you find the words coming out of you unbidden, flowing like water from your mouth, “She’s bossy now, she’s controlling now, she’s sarcastic now…”

“She isn’t, really.”

“…she talks too much now, she doesn’t sit still now…”

“I’m not sure that’s true.”

“I don’t know what’s going on but I can feel her morphing into this weird, messed up version of Vivian.  It’s like I’m in the twilight zone and it’s seriously freaking me out.  I feel like it’s Vivian, but it’s not Vivian…do you know what I mean?”  You stop there, both to catch your breath and to let your words sink in for the both of you.

There is a moment of silence and then Sunhee smiles gently.  “Jihye-unni, I think Vivian-unni’s not changing.  She’s just blooming and revealing more of her true character.  This is who she really is underneath the language barrier, underneath the role of ‘the foreign member’ that she plays here.  This is the real Vivian-unni.”

“Then this version’s an idiot,” you mutter.

“She’s really not as bossy and controlling as you say.”

You shoot her a disbelieving look.

“No, really!” Sunhee insists.  “You just feel more strongly because you haven’t seen Vivian-unni for a long time.  But once you’re around her longer, you’ll realize she is still the same kind person she was before.  These traits are just added bonuses…”  Sunhee ignores your snort of disbelief as she continues, “I’m happy for these changes.  You know, Vivian-unni’s becoming more self-assured.  She’s finally saying more of what she’s really thinking now.  She’s not speaking in circles as much as she used to.”

That causes you to still.  Sunhee’s right, you realize.  One of the things that used to frustrate you was Vivian’s tendency to be vague, to never verbally express the emotions that you saw flickering in her eyes.  It was always something that you wished she could change about herself but now that she had changed, you weren’t sure if you actually liked a Vivian who was expressing herself.

That’s when you realized that you never truly knew Vivian, did you?  What you liked, and now wanted back, was the image of her that you had constructed in your head, the persona that had been forced on her by her environment, circumstances, and insecurity.

In the end, you are nothing but a child crying for the moon.

THE END

 

 

Rita’s Musings:  One of the things which I have always found interesting about most women is the tendency to feel possessive of their other female friends.  I do think that the ending of the story may have been a bit rushed but, to be honest, I don’t really feel like expanding more into this universe. I’m satisfied with the way the story is at the moment.